Hoarfrost: a grayish-white crystalline deposit of frozen water vapour formed in clear, still weather on vegetation, etc. 

It loses a lot in a dictionary definition, doesn’t it? Actually, the word “crystalline” is pretty, but a “deposit of frozen water vapour” is pretty bloody blah. Yet, as I gaze at hoarfrost, clinging thickly to the poplars outside my window in the cold, golden light of sunset, I feel awed by the magical wonderland it creates. No longer do I see the spindly, barren trees of winter. Instead, their stark branches have been clothed in raiment adorned by nature’s jewels. 

OK, I’m getting all poetic and mushy. However, it stands true that not only people can improve their appearance with attractive coverings, the application of cosmetics, and perhaps a few other beauty treatments. Take camels, for instance.

Were you aware there’s a beauty pageant for camels in Saudi Arabia each year? According to AP News, it’s called the King Abdulaziz Camel Festival. This fabulous event lasts for one whole month. Camels are judged on the shape of their heads, humps and necks, how they’re dressed (not sure what camels wear), and their overall posture. No slumping! While I can’t exactly say I’ve thought of a camel as being beautiful, it’s nice to know that someone does. I guess. 

Anyway, since these camels compete for prizes up to $66 million, you can imagine a few folks try to bend the rules to win. Enter ‘cosmetic enhancements’. This, in turn, leads us to ponder how does one enhance a dromedary? Lipstick? False eyelashes? Hump implants?

Turns out it’s by using Botox injections, facelifts, fillers, hormones and more. Can you believe it? Thankfully, officials worked tirelessly to impede this dastardly, dromedary deception and more than 40 camels were disqualified and dispatched in dishonour. (I’ll quit now).

As I shrug into my old winter coat, I wonder if a few enhancements would be for me. Not big ones, mind you. For instance, a back seam ripped open down the center of this same coat last year and was hastily patched up using Gorilla Glue. A sensible woman might have employed the services of a seamstress at a time like that. Not me. 

And when, this year, the glue gave way, leaving a nasty long area of dried white mucilage running down my backside, I remedied the problem by scratching over it with a black marker. Remedied might be a strong word to use. It’s more like compounded the problem. Now I walk fast and keep my back to the wall. Perhaps a new coat is in my future.

Another attempt at beautification was when I applied false nails last week. I was plastering the last one to my pinky when my cellphone rang; I was rattled and spilled a gooey measure of glue over my fingers. Snatching up the phone, I held it to my ear. Not a good plan.

Let’s just say the next few minutes gave a whole new meaning to the phrase, ‘She’s always glued to her phone.”

Of course, I am a great proponent of bright lipstick and, at one time, even went so far as to apply false eyelashes. Still, the whole fuzzy caterpillar look wasn’t for me. I’ll leave that particular enhancement for today’s youth.

In any case, don’t worry. As is said, beauty is in the eye of the beholder — and occasionally at the discretion of the camel judge.

Stay beautiful.